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Cognitive Dissonance XI

Declaration of Independence

I was not planning to do this project; instead it evolved out of my personal need for improvement. When I started my cognitive dissonance unraveling journey, I didn’t even know that it was cognitive dissonance that I was dealing with. My work then brought me to this writing endeavor. It is still blossoming.

I was truly upset with the way my life was going in 1996. I wanted to overcome a mountain of debt that I had amassed during the "revitalization" of the business district where my family business was located. After a couple of years of financial security I found myself without income again. It reminded me of the period after the accident in 1983.

I felt as if my life was out of my control. As a result I was letting my thoughts get out of my control. But I didn’t realize it yet. Prior to beginning this project, I was working every day to revive our family pet shop. We lost thousands of customers by the time the construction work was finished. Always optimistic, I held on in the hope of bringing our customers back. The "revitalization" work hurt business from the time it began. And we lost much of our customer base when the revitalization team decided to close the road through town (to replace it) for two months during the Thanksgiving to Christmas season. Most retailers depend on this time of year to carry them into the slow period of the beginning of the year. In our case we needed to have success to cover debts incurred during the sidewalk construction. It seemed as if they were trying to put us out of business.

I asked the revitalization planners to keep the road open during construction or to have the work performed around the clock. They claimed it would be too expensive to keep the road open during the removal of the entire Belgian Block road base and old trolley rails. They also claimed it would cost too much to work around the clock because of the shift differential. We business owners paid twice or more (in lost sales) for every penny they saved.

In defense of the planners, I add that I think they meant well and intended to improve the district. Of course, I could be mistaken. The end result was catastrophic. Without replacing the parking spaces eliminated by the construction, the business district has declined to levels never before thought possible.

When I started managing the business full time for my parents in 1992, with the help of my brother Ron, we managed to triple sales. I truly believed we could do it again after the construction work completed, but the damage caused by reduced parking and the disruption caused by construction and road closing was too far reaching. The people that were able to rectify the mistake by removing parking spaces and closing the road refused to admit they had made a mistake. The borough government and chamber of commerce ignored my pleas for help. To date, no effort has been made to improve the availability of parking in the district.

In response to the problem, I started a business organization in an attempt to get business people united. I contacted the local government & chamber of commerce to voice the concerns of the retail business people. I was unsuccessful in my attempts to get the parking situation resolved. After struggling with lost sales and massive debt for four years, we decided to close the business in June, 1997. Once again, I found myself in a pained state of mind. I had revitalized the family business to doing a volume of sales that was three times what it had ever been before. I had invested in renovating our building, inside and out. Then I found myself out of business because I was unable to change the circumstances that adversely affected my customers and thereby me.

As an employee of Ye Olde Pet Shoppe, Inc., I lost my paycheck because of the decreased sales volume and eventual closing. As the owner of the building, I lost our rental income from the building our business was housed in. Two income losses equaled two (very intense) increases in dissonance.

As the pet shop fiasco was occurring, we had a run of bad luck with tenants in our rental properties. One man completely ruined an apartment. In another, the tenant’s children caught the place on fire-twice! Another tenant caused water damage. We were under-insured so the work had to wait. Every rental unit we had became unoccupied and we were unable to rent them. Every source of income in my life dried up almost simultaneously and I was upset by it. Everything that I had worked for in my life was quickly becoming a part of history. Talk about dissonance! Prior to these unrelated events which were beyond my control, I thought that I had developed a fool proof plan. Now each event was building an arsenal of thought soldiers that were aimed at convincing me to surrender. And I was losing ground.

It seemed that every day brought with it another unpaid bill reminder. Sometimes ten or more unpaid bill reminders would be delivered. I became increasingly tense. I was hurting. My life-long automatic response to being knocked down was to get up. Each time I started to get up, I was hit with another unseen or unforeseen blow. My enemy was invisible. I forgot that. I was losing this battle fast. I was afraid that I would lose everything I had worked all of my life for. I was very uncomfortable all of the time. My thoughts about all of this made matters worse. Here we were without the income we had become comfortable living with. The pressure was almost unbearable.

My mind raced with anxiety. Where would the food come from? How could we continue to raise our children? What if one of us needed medical attention? What about dental care? Where would we get the cash that we needed to pay our mortgage and the mortgage on our rental properties? Where would we get money to pay the utility bills? What about clothes? How could we maintain our automobile loan payment? What about gasoline? How could we afford to maintain our vehicles in good running order? Would we be able to pay our credit card debts? Would we be able to keep our vehicles insured? What about our property insurance? How could we finish the addition that we started building on our house? How would we be able to maintain the house and our rentals in good condition? Where would the money come from to fix the already damaged properties? How can we explain the lack of gifts at holiday time and birthdays? How could we possibly continue living without our income? It was maddening! Or so I thought.

The inconsistency between what I believed was a fool proof income system and the new reality of no income caused an unbelievable amount of cognitive dissonance. Like I’ve written before, no sympathy, please. I=m sharing these details to help you understand that I really have experienced disharmony between cognitions. The negative thought brigade captured me and held me prisoner. In time, my strategies have helped me overcome the negative thinking and thereby the cognitive dissonance. Even though every person is different and their battles personal, I believe the strategic approach that I used can help anyone.

We exhausted all of our family resources. Everyone helped us any way they could. We lived by the grace of God and the gifts of family and friends. As these problems continued, my thinking of them became worse. The anxiety was overwhelming. My overall pattern of thinking became increasingly negative, cynical, pessimistic and skeptical. I did not see a way out. Someone suggested bankruptcy. I refused to file for bankruptcy because I believed it to be immoral and unacceptable for myself. I know it can be a source of relief for many people that find themselves overextended, but I was not willing to give up. Instead, I continued to struggle with our finances.

To make matters worse, I was not permitted to collect unemployment compensation. Even though I had paid my Unemployment Compensation premiums, and our corporation contributed to Unemployment Comp., I was not eligible for benefits. This was because in addition to the fact that I was an employee, I was the president of the corporation. Two laws govern this. The first mandates paying into the system as an employee of the company. The second prohibits a closely held corporate officer from collecting in the event of lost wages. Imagine my surprise and then anger when I learned that I spent money for something that I was prohibited from ever collecting. I felt violated. I was thrust into an almost unbearable amount of cognitive dissonance. As the hope of the security of Unemployment Compensation evaporated, my negative thinking pattern ballooned. And the thought soldiers gained ground in their quest to overthrow me.


What was left? We sold everything we could and lived using the money. We sold our family pets. We sold some of our furniture. We sold some of the building materials that we had accumulated for the addition we were building on our home. We sold our stereo. We sold more building material. We sold as much of our personal property as we could possibly sell to keep us fed and out of bankruptcy. We continued to find things we owned that we could live without and sold them. This experience taught me to 'let go' of material possessions. All of our efforts were not enough to eliminate our debts or create a steady income. And I still had not fully realized the ability to completely let go of material possessions. But as time marched on, I’ve learned.

Then we started making arrangements with our creditors to reduce or extend our payments. Every month we struggled with the bills. We juggled them quite well. One month this handful would get paid, the next month the other handful. Many of our expenses became months in arrears. But what could we do? I asked myself this question over and over again. What else could we do? Each time the collectors would call, I suffered mental pain. I wanted only to escape it, yet I was unable to see a way out.

Oftentimes, a utility company representative would come to our door threatening to terminate our service if we did not make an immediate payment. There we were, facing termination, and were unsure of our checking account balance. After satisfying these immediate demands for payment, I would run around like a crazy man trying to secure the funds to cover the check. A few times we found our phone service had been temporarily disconnected. I needed the telephone for our newspaper ads to sell our personal property.

I knew I needed to get back into the workforce. I needed to create income but I was unsure of my ability to work for others because of many years of self-employment. I also doubted my ability to work because of my impairments. Although I was not consciously aware of it, fear was the motivating factor behind my negativity. Learning to let go of the fear has been an ongoing process.

When a friend offered to pay for my real estate education and testing, I jumped at the chance to become licensed to sell real estate. I already owned real estate. I understood the language and terms. I was aware of much of the business aspect. I needed a large income. I felt sure I could be successful. I already had a lot going for me with respect to real estate.

I applied myself diligently to this profession. I used the sales skills and people skills that I had acquired from my years of self-employment to my benefit. Then, I learned first hand how much of the real estate transaction is out of the control of the salesperson. Unlike simple retail sales, real estate transactions are influenced and controlled by many people, some of whom have conflicting opinions and motivations. Many of the deals that I had put together fell apart by circumstances that were out of my control. In one deal, my buyer’s offer was better than another’s but the seller took the other offer. After some very intense negotiations, the seller told me that she chose the other offer because the other agent was a woman! This added to the dissonance I was experiencing. How could I change that? I’m a man. And at that moment, I clearly understood sexual discrimination. I felt it.

The thought soldiers reinforced every setback and failure. At first, I submitted. On the positive side, I learned much about buying and selling real estate during this period. I also received an inside look at my rental property competition. It pleased me to see that (prior to the tenant-caused destruction) my properties were superior to the competition. This motivated me to renovate and further enhance my properties.

Still, I knew that I was unhappy. I was becoming deeply upset and I felt trapped. I was feeling alone and lonely even when with a crowd of people. I was unable to have fun. I was so miserable that my children’s laughter upset me. My physical pain increased incrementally along with the stress of the situation I was in. I was becoming desperate and fearful. I felt helpless. I felt worthless.


My desperation and fear left me feeling as if I was in a very dark tunnel unable to see the light at the end of it. When I thought I saw light, I believed it was another train bringing disaster. I say another train because I felt as if I had already been run over and dragged for miles repeatedly. I elaborate on all of this because I want to express the intensity of my situation to you. I used every strategy I knew and I jumped at every opportunity I was presented with. I was unsuccessful at everything I was doing to get myself on the right track. This sudden shift into massive debt & poverty was debilitating to me. This situation was terribly unsettling. I wanted everything to go back to the comfortable way that it was before. Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I wanted to return to the comfort of home. I just wanted it to end. I wanted to be free from cognitive dissonance.

That is precisely when I started writing down the things in my life that I was thankful and grateful for.

I found that the simple things in life were able to inspire me to continue. The green grass, cool breezes, and even rain and snow had value in my writing. The water that ran from my spigot became a long series of gratitude thoughts. As I considered the plumbing system in my home, the network of pipes that bring it to my home and the treatment plant that makes it useable, I became aware of the pleasure it brings. For without this complex system of water delivery, I would need to carry water or collect it. Bathing, cooking, laundry and cleaning would be much more difficult or impossible without this easy access to water. I also realized that I owe a debt of gratitude to all of the people who have made it possible to have water delivered to my home, now and in the past. All of the pipes had to be manufactured from raw materials that needed to be discovered, mined, processed and converted. Give that some very real thought.

After realizing the convenience of our water delivery system, I gave thanks for the waste water system. What a blessing! As I considered the alternative, I was truly grateful. As our sewer system in Allegheny County, Pennsylvania crumbles from years of neglect, we are facing replacement costs. While many complain about the financial burden, I look at the economic stimulus the project will impart and the convenience the system provides, and I’m grateful.

Although I was unaware of it, I declared my independence from cognitive dissonance and negative thinking from the first moment that I decided to change my focus from what was wrong, broken or not working in my life to all of the abundant goodness that exists. The shift to being grateful and thankful was a big step. It really altered my life profoundly. After all, what really matters anyway? Our time is the only thing that we have that has any value in this life. Why would we waste it living in fear and doubt? Spending time supporting and defending negative thought patterns wasted precious time. Now is the time to be separated from unproductive thoughts.

The choice was mine. Once I decided to look at anything that worked, I was able to see more of the things that were good in my life. Then, as I wrote down those things, I was lead into a fertile valley of thoughts that contained beautiful images of tranquil skies and still waters. Everything in my life took on new meaning as I realized that I was exactly where I needed to be. It was my responsibility to take authority over the thoughts that were unproductive and unruly in my mind. I let these negative thought soldiers into my thought garden and I could evict them. It was a worthwhile process that took time and effort.

Did the external circumstances automatically change? No, they did not. As I’ve written, this was not an overnight process. It took some time. Instead of being a prescription for hiding the problem, it is one that unmasks, uproots and tosses out the problem on a daily basis. Getting to the root of the problem is the most effective way to keep the garden free from weed thoughts that choke out productive thinking. It is the best way to combat cognitive dissonance too, because it contains the choice needed to battle this insidious monster.

Did my attention and focus change? Absolutely! Am I special in some way? I’m human just like you. I fully believe that anyone can change their focus to improve their outlook and attitude. The choice is a personal one. If you are willing to improve, you do what it takes. And you will eliminate excuses and reasons to disregard anything that would help. It took me a long time to figure this out. Once I did, my perspective changed.

What kind of things work in your life? What can you write that expresses your gratitude? What are you thankful for? What else? Get a tablet of paper and write down five things you are grateful for each day. Do this for ten days. Review the list every day as you write. Each item can be used to spark additional ideas. At the end of the first ten days, you will have fifty things that you have expressed gratitude for. Review your list repeatedly for a couple of days. Look at it just as you wake up before you begin your day. Read it over a couple of times before you fall to sleep at the end of your day.

Now start another ten days. Write down five things that you are grateful for each day. Review your list every day as you continue writing. Take notice of how your list changes as you write. At the end of your second ten day writing exercise, you will have another set of fifty things that you are grateful for. Now review both lists. You may find that your attention is beginning to shift. Read your two lists at least two times as you wake up to begin your day and twice before you fall to sleep. This is an important part of the process. Cut out the television news if it gets in the way of your exercise. As you review your lists, you are reminding yourself and planting seeds of gratitude in your thought garden. This is where they can grow, mature and blossom. If you are human, this is where you live anyway. Your thought life can be pruned, groomed and directed. Well, truth be told, it already is. Now you can take a conscious role in the process and reap an abundant harvest of gratitude and love.

Ok, now you have completed two sets of gratitude thought writings. Now it is time to do it again. Once again, begin by reviewing your lists each day as you wake up. Then write down five different things that you are grateful for. Are you employed? If so, express gratitude for your income and opportunity to contribute to society. If you’re not employed, express gratitude for the time you have to experience life. (I’m not advocating laziness here. I’m encouraging a hardcore look at reality.) Do you have food in your refrigerator? Think about that. Consider the food and the refrigerated box that keeps it cold and safe for consumption. Think about the wires that supply electricity to keep the box working. Consider the power plant and the grid work that supplies the power. Think about the technology that went into creating the systems that combine to make refrigeration possible. Simple, every day conveniences take on new meaning when you take the gratitude approach. Do you drive? Express gratitude for every piece and part of the things necessary to make it possible for you to climb into a machine, insert a key into a locking device, start an internal combustion engine and propel yourself to another time and space on Earth at relatively high rates of speed. Think of the various systems that make travel in any form possible. Express gratitude for them.

If you haven’t already written about your body, consider for a moment all of the wonderful systems that combine to make life on Earth possible for you. Your flesh is mounted on a skeletal system designed to keep it in a relative shape. Without bones, you would be nothing more than a mass of idle flesh. Express gratitude for your muscles that work. Without them, no movement would be possible. Consider your organs. Think about the miles of blood vessels and nerves that work as part of your overall body. Think about your senses, your abilities. Can you see through your eyes? Express gratitude. Can you hear? Are you able to smell? Can you feel? Are you able to walk? Talk? Can you communicate in any way at all? These are all things which we may take for granted. However, looking at them with a grateful heart will position you to “see” even more things which you are fortunate to have, be, experience and enjoy. Getting in touch with this aspect of reality can be very healing for anyone, with or without so-called disability.

Do you have special people in your life? Our parents, whether dead or alive, deserve the utmost thanks. I know that many have been abused by parents who were themselves abused. Nevertheless, they gave us the gift of life. Otherwise, we too could have ended up in an abortionist’s vacuum. I’m not picking sides here, I’m stating a fact. Your mother’s mom decided to give birth. Be thankful for that. Generations of women have given birth so that you could be brought into existence. Regardless of their failures, they succeeded in bringing you here. Say thank you to all of the women who put themselves through the pain of childbirth so that you could be born. Too abstract for you? Why? It is a part of reality. Thank them. Express gratitude.

Gratitude, when fully expressed, brings forth healing. No matter what you are angry about, you can find healing in a grateful heart. Gratitude connects us in love to the source of all that is good. Writing down things that you are grateful for gives roots to the seeds of gratitude. Reading the lists over every day waters and fertilizes your gratitude seeds. You might be surprised at the beautiful garden that blossoms.

Do you enjoy music? Think about the various technologies that help you enjoy it. Think about the musicians, the instruments, the recording devices, the playback tools you have and your ability to hear it. This is such a simple thing and yet incredibly complex. You slide a thin plastic disc into a slot and in seconds, you can have an entire orchestra playing in your home, your car or your place of employment. The speaker that plays your favorite selections came about because someone believed it could. The wires that connect the speaker to the rest of the device were created because someone mined the ore that was transformed by someone else into the raw material that eventually was transformed again and assembled by still other people. Thank them in your heart by writing it out. If they and others like them refused to participate in the creation of these products we might not have music at all. What a dark place earth would be without it. We all owe a debt of gratitude to the people who go beneath the surface of the earth to bring us the raw materials that power our lives. For without the copper and aluminum ore, we would not have wiring to carry the electricity to and through our homes, schools, places of employment and places of enjoyment.

Somehow, somewhere, we learned to ignore all of the pleasures we experience here. To declare your independence from cognitive dissonance, start by expressing your gratitude on paper. After three ten day writing sessions and a couple of days of repetitive reviewing in between and after, you are ready to move onto the next phase: Cognitive Dissonance XII, Assembling Your Army
 

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